Ever found yourself staring at your phone, thumb hovering over the call button, wondering if it’s worth reaching out to an ex? Trust me, you’re not alone. Breakups are messy, and deciding whether to call your ex can be just as tangled. Let’s dig into the real question: should you even make that call? I’ll walk you through it step-by-step, share some of my own experiences, and hopefully help you avoid the pitfalls I fell into.
1. Why Are You Even Considering It?
Here’s the deal—when you’re fresh out of a breakup, emotions are all over the place. You might be craving closure, feeling nostalgic, or just missing the familiar routine. But let’s get real: before you hit dial, you need to ask yourself, “Why do I actually want to make this call?”
There was a time after one of my breakups when I found myself wanting to call my ex just to “check in.” Deep down, I knew I was hoping for something more, some sort of reassurance or validation. In reality, I was just dodging the uncomfortable feelings that come with moving on. If you’re feeling this, too, pause and ask yourself: Are you looking to fix something, or are you just trying to avoid the sting of loneliness?
Pro Tip: Jot down what you’re hoping to achieve with the call. If your reasons sound more like trying to soothe a void, it might be better to hold off.
2. Remember Why the Relationship Ended
Ah, the breakup. If you’re honest with yourself, you know why it happened. Think back to those last days or weeks—was it constant arguing, trust issues, or maybe just growing apart? Be clear on the reason. I once convinced myself that all the little things didn’t matter and that maybe I could overlook our big issues. Spoiler: they absolutely mattered. If trust or core values were broken, it’s important to realize that one call likely won’t fix those things.
So, ask yourself, “Is the issue that caused the breakup something I could really work through, or am I just romanticizing the past?” Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by assuming everything will suddenly be okay.
3. Check Your Emotions – Are You Ready?
Let’s talk emotional readiness. Calling your ex while you’re still in the breakup haze might not be a good idea. Are you looking to reconnect out of genuine interest, or are you just trying to fill an emotional gap? After one rough breakup, I found myself calling my ex on impulse, which ended in a messy, awkward conversation that left me feeling worse. I hadn’t allowed myself enough time to process, so all the emotions were still raw.
If you’re still replaying old conversations in your head, maybe even imagining different outcomes, it might be best to step back. Reflect on how you’ve been feeling lately. Have you started moving on, or are you still mentally stuck in the past?
Self-Check: “Am I calling because I miss them, or because I haven’t dealt with the breakup?” Give yourself the time to heal. If you’re calling out of a void, the conversation could backfire.
4. Have a Clear Intention Before You Call
If you decide to pick up that phone, make sure you’re crystal clear on what you want out of the conversation. Are you seeking closure? Trying to get some clarity? Or maybe you’re secretly hoping to rekindle things? Without a clear purpose, the conversation can go sideways fast.
If you’re anything like I was, you might tell yourself, “I just want to see how they’re doing.” But deep down, you’re hoping to hear something that reassures you. Before making the call, write down exactly what you want to achieve and be realistic about whether that outcome is likely. Be honest with yourself about any hidden hopes, too. They’re often a lot stronger than we want to admit.
Ask Yourself: “Am I looking to move forward, or am I trying to recreate something that’s already over?”
5. Think About the Consequences
Consider the ripple effect of making this call. Will this conversation bring you peace, or could it stir up emotions you’ve worked hard to process? Breakups can be like wounds, and reopening them can leave you worse off than before. Imagine the conversation going differently than planned. What if your ex doesn’t want to reconnect, or worse, seems indifferent? Are you ready to handle that?
After one breakup, I made the call, thinking I’d get closure. Instead, it opened up old wounds, and I had to start my healing process all over again. It’s easy to romanticize the past, especially when nostalgia kicks in, but ask yourself: Are you prepared to handle it if it doesn’t go your way?
6. Focus on the Long-Term, Not Just the Short-Term
In those moments of loneliness, it’s easy to think that calling will provide relief. But will it help in the long run? Are you reaching out because it will truly help you move on, or are you trying to rekindle a past that’s best left in the past?
Sometimes, what we really want isn’t closure from someone else—it’s closure from within. I learned this the hard way after one too many “maybe this time” conversations. Real closure often comes from accepting the breakup and focusing on moving forward rather than seeking comfort in the past.
Think Long-Term: Will this call help you grow, or will it keep you stuck?
7. Personal Story: The Call That Left Me Regretting
Let me tell you about the time I ignored all these signs. A few months after a tough breakup, I felt the itch to reach out. I thought I’d get closure, that the conversation would bring me peace. Instead, it turned into an emotional mess. I left feeling vulnerable, exposed, and, ultimately, more confused than before. The peace I sought was never going to come from him—it had to come from me.
Looking back, I realize I called because I wanted to hold onto the good parts of what we had. But in doing so, I was just dragging out the pain. Trust me, sometimes the closure you’re looking for is the one you give yourself by deciding not to call.
8. What Should You Do Next?
If you’re nodding along to some of these questions, you probably know what the right move is. Take time to reflect, work on healing, and find ways to fill that space left by your ex in ways that don’t involve them. Whether it’s focusing on personal growth, diving into hobbies, or reconnecting with friends, start putting energy into things that serve your long-term happiness.
If you still feel the urge to call, maybe write a letter instead—something you don’t have to send. Sometimes, putting your feelings down on paper is all the closure you need. And if you ever reach a point where a conversation feels like it could truly help you grow, go into it with clarity, but don’t set your expectations too high.
Closing Thoughts
Deciding whether to call an ex is no small choice. Sometimes, the healthiest decision is to focus on your future rather than reopening a door that’s best left closed. After all, growth happens when we let go of what holds us back and make space for something new.
So before you pick up that phone, remember this: sometimes the best answer is the one you find within yourself. Moving on isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
